brat-ittude to gratitude
Getting called out on your shit hurts. I was in a deep conversation with my husband and was actively trying to reassure him how truly happy and deeply ????? I was. I remember telling him that if he could see or hear me around my friends he would know that I really was grateful and happy! His reply sent a shock wave through my soul. “Why don't I get to see that?” Ouch!! The worst part was that he was right. It was a moment in life when I knew that I wanted to change. But change what and how? How did I get to a point where I knew I was deeply happy but couldn't share that with the man I loved? I was able to live out my lifelong dream and couldn't express gratitude and appreciation??? I have dreamed about staying home with babies FOR as long as I can remember and I was finally getting to live the life I so deeply desired. Don't get me wrong, motherhood is extremely hard and THE WORK IS NEVER ENDING. Yet under the sleep deprived eyes, worn out body, and foggy brain I really was happier than I had ever been. Why could I not convey that to him?
After some soul searching I quickly realized that I felt incredibly guilty about getting to live out my dream while my husband had to go to work for the both of us. I got to snuggle my baby while he had to work day in and day out. This deep sense of guilt left me feeling the need to portray my life as the harder of the two. Unconsciously, I turned our daily life into a tit for tat game. I was tallying all the worst parts of my day to justify how hard it was to stay at home with a baby. I was giving a play by play of all the worst parts of our day! Sure, I included the cute and fun things too, but not with the same vigor! How was this even me?? It certainly wasn’t the me, mom, or wife that I wanted to be. I wanted to be a role model for my family. If I didn't embody the quantities that I would wish for my son's future relationship, then who would show him the kind of unconditional love I would desire for him? This was heartbreaking! I got really honest with myself and realized I was showing up to my relationship as a total brat. I was taking, taking and I wasn't expressing the gratitude I felt. Not only that, my husband thought I was unhappy! I love him dearly and he definitely did not deserve this. He is my rock, I would be so lost without him. I wanted to turn this around for myself and the family. I wanted my husband to know how happy I am. That I can be covered in baby food, be emotionally and physically exhausted, and still have a sense of gratitude for all his hard work. I had to realize it wasn't a competition on who has the harder job, who makes the most sacrifices, or who can function on the least sleep. We are both equally in the trenches working hard to give our son the best life possible. It is about honoring, respecting, forgiving and loving each other for who we are and the sacrifices we make for each other. Ahh.. That all sounds wonderful… How do you go from thinking it to living it?
I can’t pinpoint who, what or when it happened but it became clear that I needed to take a big step into gratitude. It made perfect sense! The logical antidote to a bratty attitude would be to count your blessings! I had heard of a gratitude journal in the past and saw that it was a great place to start. Each night I write down at least five things I was grateful for. Sometimes they are big things and sometimes its as simple as wearing my favorite pajamas. A simple yet radical shift. I started to gain perspective and appreciate this phase of my life as the gift it is. I am so blessed that I get to live out my dream to stay home with my little one. Its not always unicorns and rainbows in life. We all have our moments when we get stuck in the littles worries and struggles of everyday life. I am committed to living my life with more gratitude and joy. It’s why I started this blog. To keep myself accountable and hopefully inspire others. This has been a huge blessing in my life and I am so happy to be able to share my experience. I would love to hear from you! Do you have a gratitude journal? If not, I invite you to start one. Its super easy and can be done on a smartphone. Let me know how it goes and of any tips you use to bring you back to a state of love and gratitude!
With Love,
Emma
Getting called out on your shit hurts. I was in a deep conversation with my husband and was actively trying to reassure him how truly happy and deeply ????? I was. I remember telling him that if he could see or hear me around my friends he would know that I really was grateful and happy! His reply sent a shock wave through my soul. “Why don't I get to see that?” Ouch!! The worst part was that he was right. It was a moment in life when I knew that I wanted to change. But change what and how? How did I get to a point where I knew I was deeply happy but couldn't share that with the man I loved? I was able to live out my lifelong dream and couldn't express gratitude and appreciation??? I have dreamed about staying home with babies FOR as long as I can remember and I was finally getting to live the life I so deeply desired. Don't get me wrong, motherhood is extremely hard and THE WORK IS NEVER ENDING. Yet under the sleep deprived eyes, worn out body, and foggy brain I really was happier than I had ever been. Why could I not convey that to him?
After some soul searching I quickly realized that I felt incredibly guilty about getting to live out my dream while my husband had to go to work for the both of us. I got to snuggle my baby while he had to work day in and day out. This deep sense of guilt left me feeling the need to portray my life as the harder of the two. Unconsciously, I turned our daily life into a tit for tat game. I was tallying all the worst parts of my day to justify how hard it was to stay at home with a baby. I was giving a play by play of all the worst parts of our day! Sure, I included the cute and fun things too, but not with the same vigor! How was this even me?? It certainly wasn’t the me, mom, or wife that I wanted to be. I wanted to be a role model for my family. If I didn't embody the quantities that I would wish for my son's future relationship, then who would show him the kind of unconditional love I would desire for him? This was heartbreaking! I got really honest with myself and realized I was showing up to my relationship as a total brat. I was taking, taking and I wasn't expressing the gratitude I felt. Not only that, my husband thought I was unhappy! I love him dearly and he definitely did not deserve this. He is my rock, I would be so lost without him. I wanted to turn this around for myself and the family. I wanted my husband to know how happy I am. That I can be covered in baby food, be emotionally and physically exhausted, and still have a sense of gratitude for all his hard work. I had to realize it wasn't a competition on who has the harder job, who makes the most sacrifices, or who can function on the least sleep. We are both equally in the trenches working hard to give our son the best life possible. It is about honoring, respecting, forgiving and loving each other for who we are and the sacrifices we make for each other. Ahh.. That all sounds wonderful… How do you go from thinking it to living it?
I can’t pinpoint who, what or when it happened but it became clear that I needed to take a big step into gratitude. It made perfect sense! The logical antidote to a bratty attitude would be to count your blessings! I had heard of a gratitude journal in the past and saw that it was a great place to start. Each night I write down at least five things I was grateful for. Sometimes they are big things and sometimes its as simple as wearing my favorite pajamas. A simple yet radical shift. I started to gain perspective and appreciate this phase of my life as the gift it is. I am so blessed that I get to live out my dream to stay home with my little one. Its not always unicorns and rainbows in life. We all have our moments when we get stuck in the littles worries and struggles of everyday life. I am committed to living my life with more gratitude and joy. It’s why I started this blog. To keep myself accountable and hopefully inspire others. This has been a huge blessing in my life and I am so happy to be able to share my experience. I would love to hear from you! Do you have a gratitude journal? If not, I invite you to start one. Its super easy and can be done on a smartphone. Let me know how it goes and of any tips you use to bring you back to a state of love and gratitude!
With Love,
Emma
