How to Handle Those Tricky Conversations this Holiday Season

Thanksgiving is almost here and I wanted to offer some ideas to help reduce stress in these hectic times. As the holidays quickly approach, we prepare ourselves for get-togethers with friends and family, which usually come with a variety of opinions. For example, with the current political landscape the way it is, I am certain it will be a topic of conversation at some point.  What we must remember is that the people we have chosen to spend the holidays with are our friends and family and we hope to strengthen the bond rather than diminish it.  One thing that has become clear to me, regardless of party affiliation, is that we need to change the dialogue around how we discuss these issues.  Everyone wants to feel seen and heard. I believe that’s the way we can move forward and take the right actions that will provide the most healing for all. So, here are some tips on how to handle some of the more tricky conversations we will undoubtedly face this holiday season: 

• First and foremost, let’s be mindful of where the children are. ”little ears grow big corn." We need to keep their sense of safety intact. They need to feel their parents can and will always keep them safe and protected. We should also keep in mind that we are role modeling how to handle conflict resolutions when we engage in these types of conversations.

• Set the mood on a good note by having a gratitude circle. We do this in my family every year and it’s my favorite! It’s even sweeter because my niece, who was four or five at the time, started this tradition. Everyone holds hands and says a couple things they are grateful for. The kids usually have the best answers!  I plan to say how grateful I am to have such a lovely and diverse group of people to call my friends and family. Or something along those lines. 

• Make it your goal to allow people to finish their point before you cut in.  People naturally want to be heard and feel understood. Even if you disagree with what they are saying, try to listen fully and hear their point of view. Hopefully the same courteous will be given to you.  Gandhi was said to be at his best when listening to an opposing view. Channel your inner Gandhi :)

• If you find yourself in a conversation that is getting too heated, remember to breathe. Breathe, breathe, and breathe some more. It’s ok to excuse yourself and sneak to the bathroom to gain composure if you need to.  A thing that really helps me is a prayer for patience and to see this person as my loved one rather than an enemy. Try reciting a prayer like this: “please send me patience and love for this person. I am so triggered right now, but I ask for guidance to see them as a person I deeply care about.”

• Remember you care for this person despite their beliefs and that your children are watching. This doesn’t mean agreeing, but it does mean being respectful of differences.    Again, lets be mindful of how we are role modeling conflict resolution.
  
  

• If you mess up, forgive yourself and forgive them. Come back with a sincere apology when possible.

That’s my game plan for handling tricky conversations this holiday season.  I hope that helps and be sure to check out the video below for a breathing exercise that you can do on the fly in case you need to re-center yourself. 

Embracing the squish

Embracing the Squish

This is my second time having a baby, so I know from experience that my body tends to hang on to the baby weight for a while - like a couple years - while.  Even with eating healthy and exercising, my body likes to hold on to its extra padding to make sure there are always enough reserves to make more milk.  Granted, I eat healthy and exercise to feel good, but I don’t diet or do intense workouts because it just doesn’t fit into the lifestyle that I most enjoy.  Even knowing all this and accepting it, my stomach sank when I entered the mall the other day.
        My newborn was asleep in the car with daddy, so big brother and I went in just the two of us.  I felt like I needed the baby with me. A way to show the world that I was a new mom and to excuse the tired eyes, the frumpy outfit, and the lack of personal hygiene. I mean, I was clean but I wasn’t dolled up by any stretch of the imagination. My son and I were searching the mall for some cute nursing shirts and the two stores that were options were miles apart. Maybe not miles, but it sure felt like it.  After a fail at the first store, feeling defeated, I grabbed my toddler’s hand and walked as quickly as we could through the entire mall. Head down and as fast as his little legs could go without me feeling as if I was dragging him. But why?? Why did I feel this way? Why did I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I just had a baby and I didn’t snap back to my pre-pregnancy self, like a celebrity or one of those few lucky moms who pop out a baby and then squeeze right into their jeans the next week?  Why did I feel the need to compare myself to others during this delicate time of readjusting?  At home, I feel fine and beautiful, but it was another story out here in the ‘real’ world.

           A part of me felt so overwhelmed I just wanted to start bawling right there. But I know that this is about accepting what is rather than the desired result. Another part of me just wanted to eat lots of chocolate while getting angry at the media for all the unrealistic beauty standards we women are up against. It’s not just the number on the scale that was the issue. It’s the look and texture of my tummy and breasts. They’re not magazine worthy, but there’s this desire to be as close to “perfect” as we can be. So what is this new momma to do?  Time to take a page out of my favorite parenting book.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings and then turn towards acceptance.  I can’t say that I won’t feel self-conscious about rocking this mom bod, but I am working on having a healthier dialogue with myself. To be grateful, impressed, and respectful of the hard work my body did and continues to do to support my baby and I. I commit myself to celebrating this work, this body, this intermediate style, and this whole phase of life with words of self respect and love. These children are a blessing beyond all measure and I can’t allow my own self-consciousness to diminish this gift.  I know I won’t always feel like this, but I hope that in moments of weakness and embarrassment I can look into their eyes and swell with pride in what my body gave me.  So, cheers to being healthy, happy, and enjoying the upcoming holidays!

Surviving the First Couple Weeks as a Family of Four!

Surviving the First Couple Weeks as a Family of Four!

Bringing home a brand new baby is what dreams are made of. Holding this soft sweet little bundle of joy in my arms after a long and tough journey, is simply the sweetest reward there is, even including the less-than-glamorous side with all the aches and pains. Physical aches, sleepless nights, and navigating deep emotional waters of expanding a family.
        During the first couple weeks with my new baby, the most important thing I learned was the value of a supportive community.  I know sometimes we think we can, or perhaps should, do as much as we can on our own. The I-can-do–it-all-by-myself mentality takes over, or perhaps we are just afraid to put people out or be an inconvenience. I know that’s how I felt and I have learned that if people are offering help they mean it and it’s important to accept their offer! 

I was so fortunate to have my mom visit for a few weeks before and after the baby came. It was truly a life-saver. And then my friends were so sweet to step in after she left, even after I told them several times I could manage. And the truth is, I could have managed. I could have scrounged up a decent meal, but why? It was so incredibly helpful to have a healthy home cooked meal in the fridge so I could relax and prioritize my little ones instead of busying myself in the kitchen!
        During the two weeks that my mom was here after my son’s birth, I was given the opportunity to really concentrate on fostering a good relationship between my two boys. While my three year old was deeply enamored and in love with his little brother, you could also see the uncertainty in his eyes. What did all this mean for him? Was there enough love to go around? Why is mommy holding the baby all the time!? What about me!!!?? When I first envisioned my mom coming to visit I had expected her to play a bigger role with big brother while I nursed and recovered. While that did happen some, it was very apparent that my oldest still needed me in a big way. He needed to feel connected and that he still mattered just as much as he did before. I know he knows he is loved but I wanted him to really feel it. I wanted to make sure his cup was as full as I could make it.  I wanted this not only for our relationship but also for their relationship as brothers.  I really wanted to diminish as much of the sibling jealousy as I could.
        One of the best things I did was create a nursing activity box, as recommended by Dr. Laura Markham in “Peaceful Parenting Happy Siblings.” It consists of 21 quiet activities. They get to pick out three each day and can have something interesting to do while you feed the baby.  It is a way to make your oldest feel included and well cared for while you are busy feeding the baby for a while.  I thought my oldest would be able to play quietly and independently but it didn’t quite work out that way. He really wanted, or needed, me to engage with him. So as much as I could, I would nurse and play at the same time.  For the activities he really enjoyed, it was enough for me to sit near him and witness his play, while other times we played together.  I offered to read him books, but he wasn’t as interested in that as he was playing Uno or with play dough. 
Even preparing for this and trying to engage, there was (and still is) a lot of embracing big feelings and helping guide him through his boredom while my hands were occupied with the baby. We still try to do special time every day while the baby naps. And although I still haven’t figured out a consistent time that we can play uninterrupted, we still aim for about 15 minutes a day. Sometimes I have to wear the baby and that affects our play, but it doesn’t seem to bother my three year old much.  I try to sprinkle as much silliness and roughhousing as I can muster throughout the day, since it’s such a good stress reliever for kids and adults, but that’s not my strongest suit although I am getting sillier :) Nights are still by far the hardest. I will often hear my three year old say, “it’s hard to share my mommy” which is hard on everyone and tough on this mommy’s heart.  We still try to keep our pre-baby routine similar to our new routine and I try to snuggle them both during story time which is a bit tricky! I can't say that we found a perfect rhythm yet and I am not sure one even exists. We are trying our best to meet everyone’s needs and have everyone feel loved and seen.

         I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for our little family of four!  It’s a dream come true. Something I wasn’t sure was even in our cards! We are enjoying this time so very much. Soaking up the sweet baby snuggles and sweet playful nature of my three year old and embracing the rest in stride. I am so grateful my mom could be here for a couple weeks and for the friends who supported us after with yummy food and moral support!
         That is my offer to you: accept the help that people are offering you. If it feels like a good fit and would be really helpful, then take up the offer. More and more I am realizing the need for community and tribe around you.  Whether you just had a baby or not we all need some support sometimes, so please be open to receiving the help that is offered and the next time you have an opportunity to give it, it will be that much sweeter.  I love this quote by Maya Angelou: “When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.”

Why we do Special Time!

"Giving your child Special Time is an active form of listening, in which your child’s play becomes her vehicle for telling you about her life and perceptions." - Patty Wipfler 

   

In Dr. Laura Markham’s book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, she recommends doing something called special time every day with your kids.  Special time is a little different than just spending quality time with them. Both are wonderful and essential for the parent child relationship, however, special time focuses more on reconnecting to our children entirely; reconnecting with them completely free of distraction. This is a dedicated time where we can set everything else aside and give ourselves completely to our child to reconnect through play. 

• Dr. Markham recommends doing ten minutes of special time everyday, or as often as you can, that consists mainly of silly play. She also recommends alternating days with your child. Or in other words, your child chooses what to do during special time one day, and the next day you choose  This way you can work on connecting games, releasing emotions, or playing out an issue your child is struggling with. For example, let’s say your child has a difficult time sharing toys with his friend or sibling. During special time, grab a couple stuffed animals and act out different versions of the incident. But remember to keep it light and fun.  

In our busy modern lives, it is easy to be pulled in many directions all the time. Dishes, laundry, emails, social media, and oh wait, everyone still needs to eat!...and so on. Our giant to-do lists are a constant nagging presence..  But how does that leave our children feeling? After all, they can’t tell if we are watching videos on our phones (like my son thinks every time I pick up my phone) or if we are writing an urgent email or checking our bank account. Special time offers safe and consistent time that our children can always count on. An expected time when they can feel they are number one.  I know we all do everything we can for our kids, so please don’t get me wrong.  Although your kids are already number one in your book, special time is just a practical way to help us, as parents, value the way THEY feel and see life, not necessarily about our more logical grown-up view point. It offers a safe place for our children to work through any insecurities, scary emotions, or social issues through play by connecting with the people they love most. 

In our house we usually do special time after breakfast. It is the easiest time for us, because I am feeling lighthearted and playful rather than tired and over it, like I usually feel in the afternoon. Silliness is just not my forte, so I generally let my son lead our play. However, I am trying to come up with some silly games to integrate on the days I get to choose what to do. We usually end up playing cars or trucks. His absolute favorite special time game is pretending we are picking up different animal poop in the house. Silly, I know! I’m not sure why this activity is captivating for him , but he thinks it is just hysterical. But special time is supposed to be silly, so if my son is laughing hysterically while we are picking up make-believe poop, I’d call that a success! 

• More recently we have been doing a lot of play-time on the bed. I am 36 weeks pregnant, so it is much easier for me to be playful when my body is fully supported. We make campsites, play hotel and pretend we’re getting room service, we play like we’re exploring a cave or merely have a pillow fight all from the comfort of bed. 

Sometimes special time is hard to do. Sometimes I don’t feel silly enough. Sometimes I feel distracted or grumpy (I mean, I’m 36 weeks pregnant, remember!). Sometimes ten minutes feels like a lifetime, but I try to remind myself, what more could I want than some dedicated distraction free one-on-one time with the little person I love most.  Our lives are so busy and chaotic that we often lack the energy to create this important reconnection time in our relationships.  Sometimes special time seems like a lot to ask. Sometimes my mood or an agenda takes priority and special time drifts to the way-side. But I always notice when we haven't been connecting enough by my son’s behavior. There are many more power struggles and he won’t open up to me in the same way he usually does. This behavior reminds me how important special time is for both of us. 

• Now that my son is three, he will ask for special time (insert mom guilt), but I think that’s a really great sign that he loves and values it. The magic of special time is that sometimes when it’s over, my son will tell me something random, but hugely important to me. For example, one time immediately following one of our sillier games, he told me how some of his friends were mean to him and wouldn’t let him play with them.  I was there when this happened and I saw the exchange, but I thought they had resolved it on their own. I didn't realize it had hurt him so deeply.  I was so happy he felt connected enough to me to tell me this. It gave us the opportunity to talk through his feelings and I helped him figure out some ways to handle feeling left out in the future. That was my first real, tangible way of seeing how hugely valuable special time was to our relationship.  
• I hope we can keep this tradition going throughout his childhood and even into his adolescence. Sure, it will change and evolve and look different at each stage in his childhood, but I want him to know that I am deeply interested in him. I want him to know that what he thinks, feels, and how he sees the world are all very important to me. Right now, the best way I can do this is through play.  My hope is that as special time changes with his age, we will remain connected. When life throws him curve balls, as life will do,  there will always be a safe and dependable place for him to express his fears and frustrations, but also his joys.

What I Learned From Taking a Social Media Break

What I Learned From Taking a Social Media Break

Like any young adult today, my life is intertwined with the internet.  As part of a larger cleanse, I was asked to take a break from social media for 30 days. I felt both excited and incredibly anxious about completely disconnecting for a month. Besides my normal feed of social content, In lieu of a tight nit local community, I rely on the sub groups of Facebook. It’s where I go to chat with like minded people about the daily struggles and joys of parenthood and life in general.  What would I do without my digital tribe?  

Here’s what I learned. I realized how addicted I am to my phone. I genuinely thought I had pretty good boundaries for my phone use, but clearly it wasn’t enough and it was affecting the way I showed up in life. It’s really easy to get involved in conversations online and forget about the ones that could potentially be in front of you. I also found I didn't handle boredom well. It felt awkward to stand in line or be drinking a cup of tea and not be checking my Facebook feed. How weird that we don’t allow ourselves to become bored. Can this affect our creativity? If we squander away any moment to be alone with ourselves?? I noticed that my boredom would also lead me back to the present. My attention would drift back to my son and I would be more willing to play or be silly on his level. Even in my marriage I noticed how often we would sit together but in our own world and how that left me feeling really disconnected from my husband.

I also noticed that I didn’t get upset as often. Even if I only checked out social media for a couple minutes, there was bound to be some sort of trigger that would take my mind and/or emotions on a roller coaster ride. It doesn't have to be something obviously upsetting, like this year’s election, for example to rile us up, it could be as simple as seeing someone else enjoying something we so desperately want. Like, an engagement, a baby, a family vacation, and so on… All wonderful and beautiful things, but they can make us feel like we are somehow lacking in our own lives.  The truth is, no one has as smooth of a life as we project on our online personas. While we know this logically, it doesn’t always feel true at that moment. One day those same pictures can cause us to be joyful and on another day it can cause us to feel lacking. 

It was such an interesting experience to disconnect from social media. On the surface, it seems like being fully present in our lives would warrant more peace and serenity. But for me, it didn’t. It was awkward and uncomfortable. It was as if a flood-light was pointing out all the areas I needed to work on. I realized I needed to work on myself, my relationships, and work on the way I was showing up as a parent.  It’s so easy to see something on social media and get riled up. Sometimes for good reasons and other time it is for less productive or even hurtful reasons. But when I removed those distractions, the light was on me to really see what I needed to heal. It taught me to not take the quick fix and instead shift the focus to the root cause.  It was time to accept where I wasn’t showing up in my life and really modify some old patterns. I needed to clearly understand what I needed and what I wanted in order to thrive. I needed to discover how I could advocate for myself and then turn around and ensure each family member had the support to do the same.  Being off social media made my days feel less busy and with that extra space, I was able to get clear on the things that did or didn’t matter to me.

Lastly, I realized just how much I really do love social media!!! I love feeling connected to a bigger community.  I love staying in touch with my friends and family with the click of a button. I love sharing what inspires me and motivates me. My biggest take-away from this break from social media, was that I needed to carve out more face-to-face time with my friends, and that I  need to feel part of a community, in the flesh, not on the screen. I learned that I needed to only check into social media when I was already feeling good. For me, it can’t be a quick fix or a distraction. That is when I feel more vulnerable to the negative aspects of social media. I need to set limits; set certain time frames to use social media when my son isn't around. This way I can just enjoy being connected, without guilt or consequences. I am committing myself to enjoy less screen time, to approach it with a more centered state of mind, and also reach out to friends to connect in person, despite the schedule challenges that occur. Not only do I need face-to-face time, but if most of my social connections are via the internet, my son doesn’t get included. He doesn't witness or learn from the conversations that are happening. I don’t want him to look back on his childhood and remember me just looking at my phone constantly. By setting clear boundaries and limits with my own social media usage, hopefully I will be able to enjoy the best of both worlds. 

Stop stealing your own thunder

Stop stealing your own thunder.

Do you ever feel like you steal your own thunder?  Let me explain. Have you ever been in the middle of experiencing something enjoyable and suddenly begin thinking of all the things that could go wrong?  Thoughts of losing the people closest to you, losing a job, getting robbed, a tree falling on the house, and so on.  We all do this and it lessens our joy when we do. So why would we do that? It sounds silly, but it’s true. While joy is an amazing feeling and one that we all crave to experience more of, it’s also, by nature, fleeting. Brene Brown is a leading  researcher and a bestseller author, who specializes in vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. In her work she had found that joy is the most terrifying feeling because we are so afraid it will be taken away from us. When things are going really well and we start to think it’s a little too good, we start waiting for the other shoe to drop, or we try to bring our happiness level down. We unconsciously feel that if things are too good, then something really bad will happen and we will be hurt. It’s almost like a checks and balances thought process. For example: “if I don't push the happiness envelope too much I will be protected from future harm.” It gives us a false sense of safety and control.  No matter how much we cap our joy in the moment, it will never prepare us for the losses in life. Brown says it perfectly: 

“Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments – often ordinary moments.

Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down extraordinary moments. Other times we’re so afraid of the dark that we don’t dare let ourselves enjoy the light.

A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable. I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith.”

I can’t tell you how much I love that idea and how true it is for me. I am someone who loves the extraordinary moments. I crave them and therefore I steal my own joy quite a bit. 

I have a slightly funny and embarrassing story when I realized what it meant to lean into joy. So, we have almost no shade in our yard and it drives me absolutely crazy! I get so worked about it and I go into “brat–mode” BIG time. Well, one morning my son and I were having a great time in the yard and it started to get too hot.  I immediately fell into a grumpy-woe-is-me attitude, but then I looked at my son who was still having fun, so and I decided to shut-up and just see how this would ride out.  He played for a few more minutes and then said he was hot and was done outside.  He didn't complain or go into this huge dramatic story. He was just happy to be playing in the dirt. Then he simply decided he was ready to move on once it was too hot.  I thought to myself, “he is my teacher in learning to be joyful.” Since then, I have realized that complaining is a way that I cap my joy. By looking at what could or should be better, I steal my joy of the ordinary moments. 

It’s been quite the practice to not complain so much. In my head, mainly, but also out loud. Er, maybe especially out loud? One thing I have realized, is expressing feelings and the act of complaining are different. I believe you should always be allowed to express yourself.  The more I thought and looked at this habit of stealing my joy, I realized how essential gratitude is. In order to lean into joy, we must let go of expectations and embrace what is. Breathing into the moment and appreciating what is.

The practice of gratitude is not something we can just change our attitude around. It’s a deeply committed practice, because we are all humans with negative thought patterns and past experiences of sadness and loss. My goal now is to cultivate the bravery to let go of the uncertainty and allow myself to really feel and embrace joy; to brave the fear of the dark and fully soak up the ordinary moments.

For more information about Brene Browns work visit http://brenebrown.com

Is it ok to be enough?

Is it OK to be Enough by Emma Van Riper

What does it mean to BE enough? The idea of enoughness was brought to my attention about a year ago and has made me reevaluate how I look at myself and others. It has been long and strange struggle to figure out what being enough even means. What would that look like? Would I just come off as conceited or self important?? 

Defining Enough

The dictionary defines enough as “as much or as many as required.” How does this idea apply to a person? A regular person with quirks, flaws and one who has made countless mistakes. With technology at our fingertips we are constantly bombarded with images sending us messages that we are incomplete until we have the relationship, the job, the money, the perfect body, the baby, etc… the list goes on and on. It seems like there’s always more to do, more to achieve, more to become. Of course we want to grow, learn, and to become the best versions of ourselves. But how can we find the balance in striving for personal goals and putting down the measuring stick to see how we measure up in the world? 

I would like to try my best at something and not care if it’s Pintrest or #goalcrushing worthy. I know it sounds silly but those are the measurements that come into my mind. Is this picture Facebook worthy or was meal more of a Pintrest fail. Did I do enough in all my roles today? Was I the very best mother, wife, daughter, and friend. Most of the time it’s no, and I feel like crap about it. Insert social media and see how much everyone else seemed to conquer life and I feel even worse. But that can’t be their real life every single day, right? I mean, they are humans too with flaws, quirks and lazy moments too, right?! 

Measuring Up

I know this logically but it still gets under my skin on those days when I feel like I just will never measure up. But the bigger question is measure up to what? As I dived further into this topic it became clear that I needed to define what being enough meant to me personally and find a way to burn the stupid measuring stick. There wasn’t a mantra or a quick fix that I could apply that worked for any amount of time, I tried. One of the most influential leaders of our time on this topic is Dr. Brené Brown, I highly recommend checking out her work. She talks about how there are no prerequisites to worthiness. 

A light bulb went off. For me to feel enough I had to accept that I was worthy of being enough. That I could own all my flaws and still show up to the arena. That I could honor lazy days and not be riddled with guilt. perfect is not the goal. Showing up and meeting yourself where you are at, each and every single day is. 

Self Care

Enoughness is a hard topic to talk about and an even trickier dance to live. How does this practice fit in real life full of different roles and pressures. For me it comes down to self care, cliche I know, but its true. When I practice owning my own worthiness I can take the time and resources necessary to take care of my self. I take care of myself not in any of the roles I have and love but to nourish my own being. The more I can prioritize my self care, the more the feelings of not measuring up lessen. Personally I turn to my yoga practice during those times when I prioritize my self care. I simply care less about where I stand in comparison. 

By committing to take my needs seriously I am able nourish my soul in a way that also helps me learn how to support others around me. Finding the courage to help myself also helps me show up to my life with more compassion and empathy. When I have more compassion and empathy, I can better support my family and friends in meeting their needs because I am full rather than depleted. Taking your individual needs seriously is a practice that takes commitment as its always ongoing; life often throws curve balls in the way, and old negative patterns come up regularly. Despite the obstacles, it is a path I am committed to for myself and so that my family knows they too are enough. “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ― Brené Brown

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ankrJOeueQw