Why we do Special Time!

"Giving your child Special Time is an active form of listening, in which your child’s play becomes her vehicle for telling you about her life and perceptions." - Patty Wipfler 

   

In Dr. Laura Markham’s book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, she recommends doing something called special time every day with your kids.  Special time is a little different than just spending quality time with them. Both are wonderful and essential for the parent child relationship, however, special time focuses more on reconnecting to our children entirely; reconnecting with them completely free of distraction. This is a dedicated time where we can set everything else aside and give ourselves completely to our child to reconnect through play. 

• Dr. Markham recommends doing ten minutes of special time everyday, or as often as you can, that consists mainly of silly play. She also recommends alternating days with your child. Or in other words, your child chooses what to do during special time one day, and the next day you choose  This way you can work on connecting games, releasing emotions, or playing out an issue your child is struggling with. For example, let’s say your child has a difficult time sharing toys with his friend or sibling. During special time, grab a couple stuffed animals and act out different versions of the incident. But remember to keep it light and fun.  

In our busy modern lives, it is easy to be pulled in many directions all the time. Dishes, laundry, emails, social media, and oh wait, everyone still needs to eat!...and so on. Our giant to-do lists are a constant nagging presence..  But how does that leave our children feeling? After all, they can’t tell if we are watching videos on our phones (like my son thinks every time I pick up my phone) or if we are writing an urgent email or checking our bank account. Special time offers safe and consistent time that our children can always count on. An expected time when they can feel they are number one.  I know we all do everything we can for our kids, so please don’t get me wrong.  Although your kids are already number one in your book, special time is just a practical way to help us, as parents, value the way THEY feel and see life, not necessarily about our more logical grown-up view point. It offers a safe place for our children to work through any insecurities, scary emotions, or social issues through play by connecting with the people they love most. 

In our house we usually do special time after breakfast. It is the easiest time for us, because I am feeling lighthearted and playful rather than tired and over it, like I usually feel in the afternoon. Silliness is just not my forte, so I generally let my son lead our play. However, I am trying to come up with some silly games to integrate on the days I get to choose what to do. We usually end up playing cars or trucks. His absolute favorite special time game is pretending we are picking up different animal poop in the house. Silly, I know! I’m not sure why this activity is captivating for him , but he thinks it is just hysterical. But special time is supposed to be silly, so if my son is laughing hysterically while we are picking up make-believe poop, I’d call that a success! 

• More recently we have been doing a lot of play-time on the bed. I am 36 weeks pregnant, so it is much easier for me to be playful when my body is fully supported. We make campsites, play hotel and pretend we’re getting room service, we play like we’re exploring a cave or merely have a pillow fight all from the comfort of bed. 

Sometimes special time is hard to do. Sometimes I don’t feel silly enough. Sometimes I feel distracted or grumpy (I mean, I’m 36 weeks pregnant, remember!). Sometimes ten minutes feels like a lifetime, but I try to remind myself, what more could I want than some dedicated distraction free one-on-one time with the little person I love most.  Our lives are so busy and chaotic that we often lack the energy to create this important reconnection time in our relationships.  Sometimes special time seems like a lot to ask. Sometimes my mood or an agenda takes priority and special time drifts to the way-side. But I always notice when we haven't been connecting enough by my son’s behavior. There are many more power struggles and he won’t open up to me in the same way he usually does. This behavior reminds me how important special time is for both of us. 

• Now that my son is three, he will ask for special time (insert mom guilt), but I think that’s a really great sign that he loves and values it. The magic of special time is that sometimes when it’s over, my son will tell me something random, but hugely important to me. For example, one time immediately following one of our sillier games, he told me how some of his friends were mean to him and wouldn’t let him play with them.  I was there when this happened and I saw the exchange, but I thought they had resolved it on their own. I didn't realize it had hurt him so deeply.  I was so happy he felt connected enough to me to tell me this. It gave us the opportunity to talk through his feelings and I helped him figure out some ways to handle feeling left out in the future. That was my first real, tangible way of seeing how hugely valuable special time was to our relationship.  
• I hope we can keep this tradition going throughout his childhood and even into his adolescence. Sure, it will change and evolve and look different at each stage in his childhood, but I want him to know that I am deeply interested in him. I want him to know that what he thinks, feels, and how he sees the world are all very important to me. Right now, the best way I can do this is through play.  My hope is that as special time changes with his age, we will remain connected. When life throws him curve balls, as life will do,  there will always be a safe and dependable place for him to express his fears and frustrations, but also his joys.