Surviving the First Couple Weeks as a Family of Four!
Bringing home a brand new baby is what dreams are made of. Holding this soft sweet little bundle of joy in my arms after a long and tough journey, is simply the sweetest reward there is, even including the less-than-glamorous side with all the aches and pains. Physical aches, sleepless nights, and navigating deep emotional waters of expanding a family.
During the first couple weeks with my new baby, the most important thing I learned was the value of a supportive community. I know sometimes we think we can, or perhaps should, do as much as we can on our own. The I-can-do–it-all-by-myself mentality takes over, or perhaps we are just afraid to put people out or be an inconvenience. I know that’s how I felt and I have learned that if people are offering help they mean it and it’s important to accept their offer!
During the two weeks that my mom was here after my son’s birth, I was given the opportunity to really concentrate on fostering a good relationship between my two boys. While my three year old was deeply enamored and in love with his little brother, you could also see the uncertainty in his eyes. What did all this mean for him? Was there enough love to go around? Why is mommy holding the baby all the time!? What about me!!!?? When I first envisioned my mom coming to visit I had expected her to play a bigger role with big brother while I nursed and recovered. While that did happen some, it was very apparent that my oldest still needed me in a big way. He needed to feel connected and that he still mattered just as much as he did before. I know he knows he is loved but I wanted him to really feel it. I wanted to make sure his cup was as full as I could make it. I wanted this not only for our relationship but also for their relationship as brothers. I really wanted to diminish as much of the sibling jealousy as I could.
One of the best things I did was create a nursing activity box, as recommended by Dr. Laura Markham in “Peaceful Parenting Happy Siblings.” It consists of 21 quiet activities. They get to pick out three each day and can have something interesting to do while you feed the baby. It is a way to make your oldest feel included and well cared for while you are busy feeding the baby for a while. I thought my oldest would be able to play quietly and independently but it didn’t quite work out that way. He really wanted, or needed, me to engage with him. So as much as I could, I would nurse and play at the same time. For the activities he really enjoyed, it was enough for me to sit near him and witness his play, while other times we played together. I offered to read him books, but he wasn’t as interested in that as he was playing Uno or with play dough.
Even preparing for this and trying to engage, there was (and still is) a lot of embracing big feelings and helping guide him through his boredom while my hands were occupied with the baby. We still try to do special time every day while the baby naps. And although I still haven’t figured out a consistent time that we can play uninterrupted, we still aim for about 15 minutes a day. Sometimes I have to wear the baby and that affects our play, but it doesn’t seem to bother my three year old much. I try to sprinkle as much silliness and roughhousing as I can muster throughout the day, since it’s such a good stress reliever for kids and adults, but that’s not my strongest suit although I am getting sillier :) Nights are still by far the hardest. I will often hear my three year old say, “it’s hard to share my mommy” which is hard on everyone and tough on this mommy’s heart. We still try to keep our pre-baby routine similar to our new routine and I try to snuggle them both during story time which is a bit tricky! I can't say that we found a perfect rhythm yet and I am not sure one even exists. We are trying our best to meet everyone’s needs and have everyone feel loved and seen.
I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for our little family of four! It’s a dream come true. Something I wasn’t sure was even in our cards! We are enjoying this time so very much. Soaking up the sweet baby snuggles and sweet playful nature of my three year old and embracing the rest in stride. I am so grateful my mom could be here for a couple weeks and for the friends who supported us after with yummy food and moral support!
That is my offer to you: accept the help that people are offering you. If it feels like a good fit and would be really helpful, then take up the offer. More and more I am realizing the need for community and tribe around you. Whether you just had a baby or not we all need some support sometimes, so please be open to receiving the help that is offered and the next time you have an opportunity to give it, it will be that much sweeter. I love this quote by Maya Angelou: “When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.”
