Stop stealing your own thunder

Stop stealing your own thunder.

Do you ever feel like you steal your own thunder?  Let me explain. Have you ever been in the middle of experiencing something enjoyable and suddenly begin thinking of all the things that could go wrong?  Thoughts of losing the people closest to you, losing a job, getting robbed, a tree falling on the house, and so on.  We all do this and it lessens our joy when we do. So why would we do that? It sounds silly, but it’s true. While joy is an amazing feeling and one that we all crave to experience more of, it’s also, by nature, fleeting. Brene Brown is a leading  researcher and a bestseller author, who specializes in vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. In her work she had found that joy is the most terrifying feeling because we are so afraid it will be taken away from us. When things are going really well and we start to think it’s a little too good, we start waiting for the other shoe to drop, or we try to bring our happiness level down. We unconsciously feel that if things are too good, then something really bad will happen and we will be hurt. It’s almost like a checks and balances thought process. For example: “if I don't push the happiness envelope too much I will be protected from future harm.” It gives us a false sense of safety and control.  No matter how much we cap our joy in the moment, it will never prepare us for the losses in life. Brown says it perfectly: 

“Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments – often ordinary moments.

Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down extraordinary moments. Other times we’re so afraid of the dark that we don’t dare let ourselves enjoy the light.

A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable. I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith.”

I can’t tell you how much I love that idea and how true it is for me. I am someone who loves the extraordinary moments. I crave them and therefore I steal my own joy quite a bit. 

I have a slightly funny and embarrassing story when I realized what it meant to lean into joy. So, we have almost no shade in our yard and it drives me absolutely crazy! I get so worked about it and I go into “brat–mode” BIG time. Well, one morning my son and I were having a great time in the yard and it started to get too hot.  I immediately fell into a grumpy-woe-is-me attitude, but then I looked at my son who was still having fun, so and I decided to shut-up and just see how this would ride out.  He played for a few more minutes and then said he was hot and was done outside.  He didn't complain or go into this huge dramatic story. He was just happy to be playing in the dirt. Then he simply decided he was ready to move on once it was too hot.  I thought to myself, “he is my teacher in learning to be joyful.” Since then, I have realized that complaining is a way that I cap my joy. By looking at what could or should be better, I steal my joy of the ordinary moments. 

It’s been quite the practice to not complain so much. In my head, mainly, but also out loud. Er, maybe especially out loud? One thing I have realized, is expressing feelings and the act of complaining are different. I believe you should always be allowed to express yourself.  The more I thought and looked at this habit of stealing my joy, I realized how essential gratitude is. In order to lean into joy, we must let go of expectations and embrace what is. Breathing into the moment and appreciating what is.

The practice of gratitude is not something we can just change our attitude around. It’s a deeply committed practice, because we are all humans with negative thought patterns and past experiences of sadness and loss. My goal now is to cultivate the bravery to let go of the uncertainty and allow myself to really feel and embrace joy; to brave the fear of the dark and fully soak up the ordinary moments.

For more information about Brene Browns work visit http://brenebrown.com

Is it ok to be enough?

Is it OK to be Enough by Emma Van Riper

What does it mean to BE enough? The idea of enoughness was brought to my attention about a year ago and has made me reevaluate how I look at myself and others. It has been long and strange struggle to figure out what being enough even means. What would that look like? Would I just come off as conceited or self important?? 

Defining Enough

The dictionary defines enough as “as much or as many as required.” How does this idea apply to a person? A regular person with quirks, flaws and one who has made countless mistakes. With technology at our fingertips we are constantly bombarded with images sending us messages that we are incomplete until we have the relationship, the job, the money, the perfect body, the baby, etc… the list goes on and on. It seems like there’s always more to do, more to achieve, more to become. Of course we want to grow, learn, and to become the best versions of ourselves. But how can we find the balance in striving for personal goals and putting down the measuring stick to see how we measure up in the world? 

I would like to try my best at something and not care if it’s Pintrest or #goalcrushing worthy. I know it sounds silly but those are the measurements that come into my mind. Is this picture Facebook worthy or was meal more of a Pintrest fail. Did I do enough in all my roles today? Was I the very best mother, wife, daughter, and friend. Most of the time it’s no, and I feel like crap about it. Insert social media and see how much everyone else seemed to conquer life and I feel even worse. But that can’t be their real life every single day, right? I mean, they are humans too with flaws, quirks and lazy moments too, right?! 

Measuring Up

I know this logically but it still gets under my skin on those days when I feel like I just will never measure up. But the bigger question is measure up to what? As I dived further into this topic it became clear that I needed to define what being enough meant to me personally and find a way to burn the stupid measuring stick. There wasn’t a mantra or a quick fix that I could apply that worked for any amount of time, I tried. One of the most influential leaders of our time on this topic is Dr. Brené Brown, I highly recommend checking out her work. She talks about how there are no prerequisites to worthiness. 

A light bulb went off. For me to feel enough I had to accept that I was worthy of being enough. That I could own all my flaws and still show up to the arena. That I could honor lazy days and not be riddled with guilt. perfect is not the goal. Showing up and meeting yourself where you are at, each and every single day is. 

Self Care

Enoughness is a hard topic to talk about and an even trickier dance to live. How does this practice fit in real life full of different roles and pressures. For me it comes down to self care, cliche I know, but its true. When I practice owning my own worthiness I can take the time and resources necessary to take care of my self. I take care of myself not in any of the roles I have and love but to nourish my own being. The more I can prioritize my self care, the more the feelings of not measuring up lessen. Personally I turn to my yoga practice during those times when I prioritize my self care. I simply care less about where I stand in comparison. 

By committing to take my needs seriously I am able nourish my soul in a way that also helps me learn how to support others around me. Finding the courage to help myself also helps me show up to my life with more compassion and empathy. When I have more compassion and empathy, I can better support my family and friends in meeting their needs because I am full rather than depleted. Taking your individual needs seriously is a practice that takes commitment as its always ongoing; life often throws curve balls in the way, and old negative patterns come up regularly. Despite the obstacles, it is a path I am committed to for myself and so that my family knows they too are enough. “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ― Brené Brown

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ankrJOeueQw