Stop stealing your own thunder

Stop stealing your own thunder.

Do you ever feel like you steal your own thunder?  Let me explain. Have you ever been in the middle of experiencing something enjoyable and suddenly begin thinking of all the things that could go wrong?  Thoughts of losing the people closest to you, losing a job, getting robbed, a tree falling on the house, and so on.  We all do this and it lessens our joy when we do. So why would we do that? It sounds silly, but it’s true. While joy is an amazing feeling and one that we all crave to experience more of, it’s also, by nature, fleeting. Brene Brown is a leading  researcher and a bestseller author, who specializes in vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. In her work she had found that joy is the most terrifying feeling because we are so afraid it will be taken away from us. When things are going really well and we start to think it’s a little too good, we start waiting for the other shoe to drop, or we try to bring our happiness level down. We unconsciously feel that if things are too good, then something really bad will happen and we will be hurt. It’s almost like a checks and balances thought process. For example: “if I don't push the happiness envelope too much I will be protected from future harm.” It gives us a false sense of safety and control.  No matter how much we cap our joy in the moment, it will never prepare us for the losses in life. Brown says it perfectly: 

“Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments – often ordinary moments.

Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down extraordinary moments. Other times we’re so afraid of the dark that we don’t dare let ourselves enjoy the light.

A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable. I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith.”

I can’t tell you how much I love that idea and how true it is for me. I am someone who loves the extraordinary moments. I crave them and therefore I steal my own joy quite a bit. 

I have a slightly funny and embarrassing story when I realized what it meant to lean into joy. So, we have almost no shade in our yard and it drives me absolutely crazy! I get so worked about it and I go into “brat–mode” BIG time. Well, one morning my son and I were having a great time in the yard and it started to get too hot.  I immediately fell into a grumpy-woe-is-me attitude, but then I looked at my son who was still having fun, so and I decided to shut-up and just see how this would ride out.  He played for a few more minutes and then said he was hot and was done outside.  He didn't complain or go into this huge dramatic story. He was just happy to be playing in the dirt. Then he simply decided he was ready to move on once it was too hot.  I thought to myself, “he is my teacher in learning to be joyful.” Since then, I have realized that complaining is a way that I cap my joy. By looking at what could or should be better, I steal my joy of the ordinary moments. 

It’s been quite the practice to not complain so much. In my head, mainly, but also out loud. Er, maybe especially out loud? One thing I have realized, is expressing feelings and the act of complaining are different. I believe you should always be allowed to express yourself.  The more I thought and looked at this habit of stealing my joy, I realized how essential gratitude is. In order to lean into joy, we must let go of expectations and embrace what is. Breathing into the moment and appreciating what is.

The practice of gratitude is not something we can just change our attitude around. It’s a deeply committed practice, because we are all humans with negative thought patterns and past experiences of sadness and loss. My goal now is to cultivate the bravery to let go of the uncertainty and allow myself to really feel and embrace joy; to brave the fear of the dark and fully soak up the ordinary moments.

For more information about Brene Browns work visit http://brenebrown.com