How to Handle Those Tricky Conversations this Holiday Season

Thanksgiving is almost here and I wanted to offer some ideas to help reduce stress in these hectic times. As the holidays quickly approach, we prepare ourselves for get-togethers with friends and family, which usually come with a variety of opinions. For example, with the current political landscape the way it is, I am certain it will be a topic of conversation at some point.  What we must remember is that the people we have chosen to spend the holidays with are our friends and family and we hope to strengthen the bond rather than diminish it.  One thing that has become clear to me, regardless of party affiliation, is that we need to change the dialogue around how we discuss these issues.  Everyone wants to feel seen and heard. I believe that’s the way we can move forward and take the right actions that will provide the most healing for all. So, here are some tips on how to handle some of the more tricky conversations we will undoubtedly face this holiday season: 

• First and foremost, let’s be mindful of where the children are. ”little ears grow big corn." We need to keep their sense of safety intact. They need to feel their parents can and will always keep them safe and protected. We should also keep in mind that we are role modeling how to handle conflict resolutions when we engage in these types of conversations.

• Set the mood on a good note by having a gratitude circle. We do this in my family every year and it’s my favorite! It’s even sweeter because my niece, who was four or five at the time, started this tradition. Everyone holds hands and says a couple things they are grateful for. The kids usually have the best answers!  I plan to say how grateful I am to have such a lovely and diverse group of people to call my friends and family. Or something along those lines. 

• Make it your goal to allow people to finish their point before you cut in.  People naturally want to be heard and feel understood. Even if you disagree with what they are saying, try to listen fully and hear their point of view. Hopefully the same courteous will be given to you.  Gandhi was said to be at his best when listening to an opposing view. Channel your inner Gandhi :)

• If you find yourself in a conversation that is getting too heated, remember to breathe. Breathe, breathe, and breathe some more. It’s ok to excuse yourself and sneak to the bathroom to gain composure if you need to.  A thing that really helps me is a prayer for patience and to see this person as my loved one rather than an enemy. Try reciting a prayer like this: “please send me patience and love for this person. I am so triggered right now, but I ask for guidance to see them as a person I deeply care about.”

• Remember you care for this person despite their beliefs and that your children are watching. This doesn’t mean agreeing, but it does mean being respectful of differences.    Again, lets be mindful of how we are role modeling conflict resolution.
  
  

• If you mess up, forgive yourself and forgive them. Come back with a sincere apology when possible.

That’s my game plan for handling tricky conversations this holiday season.  I hope that helps and be sure to check out the video below for a breathing exercise that you can do on the fly in case you need to re-center yourself. 

Embracing the squish

Embracing the Squish

This is my second time having a baby, so I know from experience that my body tends to hang on to the baby weight for a while - like a couple years - while.  Even with eating healthy and exercising, my body likes to hold on to its extra padding to make sure there are always enough reserves to make more milk.  Granted, I eat healthy and exercise to feel good, but I don’t diet or do intense workouts because it just doesn’t fit into the lifestyle that I most enjoy.  Even knowing all this and accepting it, my stomach sank when I entered the mall the other day.
        My newborn was asleep in the car with daddy, so big brother and I went in just the two of us.  I felt like I needed the baby with me. A way to show the world that I was a new mom and to excuse the tired eyes, the frumpy outfit, and the lack of personal hygiene. I mean, I was clean but I wasn’t dolled up by any stretch of the imagination. My son and I were searching the mall for some cute nursing shirts and the two stores that were options were miles apart. Maybe not miles, but it sure felt like it.  After a fail at the first store, feeling defeated, I grabbed my toddler’s hand and walked as quickly as we could through the entire mall. Head down and as fast as his little legs could go without me feeling as if I was dragging him. But why?? Why did I feel this way? Why did I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I just had a baby and I didn’t snap back to my pre-pregnancy self, like a celebrity or one of those few lucky moms who pop out a baby and then squeeze right into their jeans the next week?  Why did I feel the need to compare myself to others during this delicate time of readjusting?  At home, I feel fine and beautiful, but it was another story out here in the ‘real’ world.

           A part of me felt so overwhelmed I just wanted to start bawling right there. But I know that this is about accepting what is rather than the desired result. Another part of me just wanted to eat lots of chocolate while getting angry at the media for all the unrealistic beauty standards we women are up against. It’s not just the number on the scale that was the issue. It’s the look and texture of my tummy and breasts. They’re not magazine worthy, but there’s this desire to be as close to “perfect” as we can be. So what is this new momma to do?  Time to take a page out of my favorite parenting book.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings and then turn towards acceptance.  I can’t say that I won’t feel self-conscious about rocking this mom bod, but I am working on having a healthier dialogue with myself. To be grateful, impressed, and respectful of the hard work my body did and continues to do to support my baby and I. I commit myself to celebrating this work, this body, this intermediate style, and this whole phase of life with words of self respect and love. These children are a blessing beyond all measure and I can’t allow my own self-consciousness to diminish this gift.  I know I won’t always feel like this, but I hope that in moments of weakness and embarrassment I can look into their eyes and swell with pride in what my body gave me.  So, cheers to being healthy, happy, and enjoying the upcoming holidays!